A lot of people had been asking me about what I really want in life. I couldn’t give them an honest answer. I don’t know. I never think of it. All I want is to sit and stare – stare till my tears would fall out of my eyes, realizing that I never really had a future if I’m going to just sit forever. There are a lot of things that been bugging me. It keeps on entering in my brain, yet I couldn’t even decipher what it is all about. I couldn’t do anything that would, definitely, change my life. I don’t have any idea on what’s going to happen to me or to the dreams I’ve been aiming since I was a kid. I guess everything I dreamed of already disappear since the time when I spoiled myself into the things that would make me lonely.
When I calculate the things I have now, it makes a negative value.
I was born and raised in a happy family. I got everything in life except having a bank of money. But, I don’t complain about it as long as I have my family, my friends and my enemies. I’m satisfied already. My life is not interesting as your life but I got lots of secret, hatred and memoirs of a happy face.
I started to appreciate life when I enter college, when I know how to look after myself. It’s difficult to live alone. There’s so much pity and dying out of loneliness. However, I stay strong. I’m still alive.
I remember when I was a kid; my mom would wake me up early in the morning, 5:30 AM I guess. I live in a place full of soldiers. Well, my father is a soldier. Our house is located within the premises of the soldier’s camp. I’m used with the sound of guns, the worst sound of mortar and canyons. I was, in fact, immune with the smell of gun powder or sort of thing used in bombs. Well, I can’t change my past. If I do, then I wouldn’t meet my childhood friends. We are seven, all in all, in our little gang. But, as we grow up, one by one needs to say a temporary goodbye.
As I was still a young kid, I’d already learned how to keep on myself. I cry alone and hid my tears. I’d already been on the point of committing suicide. I’d even cursed anyone who annoys me. I envy. I bully. I fight. I cry. I give-in. I stay. I laugh. I write. I dream. I grow intellectually. I envy others but I never showed it. I keep it in my heart. I bully them through imagining that I could be a superhero. I fight for the sake of friendship but I don’t take sides. I cry when I felt every kid in the world hate me. I give-in for the sake of peace. I usually give what I had in order for trouble to be gone. I stay home because I was trained to be a home girl and because we owned a little store for extra living. I laugh along with my family and friends because it’s the only thing I know in order to hide loneliness. I wrote everything what my heart and mind says because it helps me to get my emotions out of it. I dream just like other kid. But all my dreams and my ambitions are hidden inside my body. It was imprisoned by my less confident self. But in the end, I grow intellectually because of my experiences. I know where to stand and to pull myself from the ground.
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